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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29593005">no rainbows</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunchans/pseuds/hyunchans'>hyunchans</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Cigarettes, Drinking, Emotional Manipulation, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Smoking, chan collects things, do not romanticize this, glossing over emotions and issues, heights - balcony scene, mental health, they're both as bad as each other and don't realise it, toxic - i repeat toxic, toxic relationship dynamics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:21:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,434</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29593005</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunchans/pseuds/hyunchans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>chan and jisung walk on the line bordering the toxic abyss, unaware of how suffocating their love for each other actually is.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>no rainbows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is not a healthy relationship. please do not think this is how i view the boys in real life, how i view relationships of this manner. this is a work of fiction and inspiration, the tags are there to be read. please do not read this if it is not your cup of tea. i will not tolerate comments telling me what i already know - i am well aware of what this fic represents and that is the point.</p><p>some songs i rec if you like to read with music;<br/>- <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGt6IIAfP50&amp;ab_channel=slowedsabaism">no rainbows / chase atlantic</a><br/>- <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDvS-lPPBGs&amp;ab_channel=DavidDeanBurkhart">chemtrails over the country club / lana del rey</a><br/>- <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzueOh-d15M&amp;ab_channel=AllTimeLow">drugs and candy / all time low</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> "the sweetness of you on my tongue<br/>
i breathed you in, you filled my lungs<br/>
a bitter taste, surrender waste<br/>
another weakness" </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>- drugs and candy; all time low</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Chan sat where he usually did after a row with his boyfriend. </p><p>The balcony of their seventh-floor apartment was a safe haven - cluttered with endless ashtrays that he liked to pick up from antique stores, poorly strung fairy lights, and lazily potted plants that scattered the balcony floor. He sat with his back to the sliding door behind him, rifling in his pocket for his nearly empty cigarette packet.</p><p>Chan exclusively smoked menthols, much to Jisung’s distaste - it meant more for him and less time wasted arguing about sharing each other's death sticks.</p><p>A soft thud sounded across the glass sliding door, and Jisung stood holding two wine glasses in hand. </p><p>Chan inhaled deeply, chewing his bottom lip raw as Jisung unlatched the handle and pulled the door open.</p><p>“Fancy a glass?” Jisung asked tentatively, the apprehension in his voice unavoidable.</p><p>The argument had started off all because Chan had forgotten to pick up the pasta sauce for tomorrow night's dinner date. Jisung was already strung high from work and it was enough to earn an unwarranted scolding over everything else Chan had done that week that bothered him. </p><p>It was always Chan who did wrong, who somehow ended up not living up to Jisung’s expectations. It was never Jisung who could make the mistakes, the poster child of perfection in everyone else's eyes and worse - his <em>own. </em>If Chan even showed the slightest amount of annoyance over something it earned him daggered stares and a coldness that couldn’t be matched by even the winter’s air.</p><p>“I don’t like being spoken to the way you do when you lash out at me Jisung,” he bit out, snatching the glass right from Jisung’s hand.</p><p>The younger man sighed, pulling over the other chair to sit across from Chan. He placed a warm hand on Chan’s knee and as much as he wanted to recoil from the touch, to lock himself away from Jisung’s presence and let himself <em>feel </em>his emotions - he couldn’t help but feel a fire ignite within him, feel reassured that the man he sometimes detested still loved him. </p><p>“I don’t like being lied to every damn day about your mental state,” Jisung fired back.</p><p>Chan swallowed a sip of the wine - a 2017 pinot noir rose. It tasted sickly sweet on his tongue, the mixture of cherry and raspberry flavors instantly warmed his throat, soothed the lump that had started to form much against his will.</p><p>“What has my mental state got to do with this? I forgot the sauce, big deal, the supermarket still exists and I can get it tomorrow.”</p><p>The second sip was even sweeter than the first, filling his limbs with a blanket of warmth stronger than what had filled his mouth previously. He stared out past Jisung, at the city below them that hummed with life and excitement - the complete opposite of Chan's day-to-day life. He could never imagine being significant, always one to be lost in the crowd, swept out to sea past the flags unnoticed. Jisung could never relate even in his wildest dreams - social butterfly of the year, always in the spotlight, always on the receiving end of attention and praise. Chan didn't dare to compare himself to Jisung anymore, instead, he grew dangerously close to blending in even further. In a way, they were the perfect pair despite their flaws and fuckups: the things that made them painfully human only visible to each other behind closed doors.</p><p>Chan sighed, slipping a second cigarette between his lips and fumbling with his lighter. </p><p>“Can I have one?” Jisung asked, voice small and frail.</p><p>Chan narrowed his eyes, raising an eyebrow as he shook out the last of the sticks from the packet and handed it over. Jisung pulled a face as he sucked on the cigarette, releasing a long puff as his eyes washed over him. </p><p>“I just wish you were here Jisung,” Chan began. Jisung’s eyes danced beneath the fairy lights, locked onto Chan’s as his boyfriend attempted his best at letting out what he kept inside every damn time this would happen.</p><p>“Really here,” Chan pointed to his head, to the silver lockbox that trapped him in with all his horrid thoughts and emotions, the emotions that left him reeling for days on end when things got bad. The cigarettes he puffed on were the sole thing that got him through high school when he first started suffering, an unhealthy habit that grew worse by the day. The methodical process of opening the packet, igniting the stick, and stubbing it out gave Chan a sense of routine, a sense of control that he clearly didn't have over his own life. </p><p>“I just hope one day you will understand. Put yourself in my shoes and see what it's like,” Chan gulped. </p><p>“Hope is a dangerous feeling for people like us Chan. I understand more than enough, but what matters most is that at the end of the day, while I might be an asshole sometimes it's only because I love you so much.”</p><p>Chan blew his laugh between his lips, flakes of ash dropping down onto his pajama pants. As usual, Jisung was missing the point. Chan watched as Jisung puffed on the menthol stick, visibly hating every second of it. Chan knew what Jisung was trying to prove - in his own fucked up way it was an apology without actually having to say the words out loud. </p><p>“Sung, that sounds so bad.”</p><p>Jisung cringed, cracking his knuckles as he downed the rest of his wine. He stared up at the fairy lights adorning the balcony, reaching out to stub out his cigarette after finishing it impossibly fast.</p><p>“I mean it you know?” Jisung was desperate, knee bouncing as Chan stewed in his emotions, letting the feelings consume him, pull him down beneath the surface.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Clouded anger and poor judgment was something he was used to, something that Jisung knew to combat with less than subtle movements. Desire filled Chan’s lungs, suffocated him as Jisung crawled into his lap. He straddled him, leaning in towards his chest and Chan sucked in a whiff of his cologne, the scent that made his bones vibrate with anticipation ever since the first time he smelt it on his skin. It was the mixture of juniper and tarragon: notes of lily, flax, and tobacco flower - that was undeniably captivating. With Jisung’s natural musk and dewy skin despite that of his hands, it was Chan’s perfect blend of aromas.</p><p>“That I love you.”</p><p>Jisung ran his hands through Chan’s freshly dyed hair, sighing as the silky strands tickled the rough skin on his hands. Chan leaned his head back and blew a line of cigarette smoke into his face. He smirked as Jisung fought the urge to make a comment, instead using his forefinger and thumbs to massage circles into his boyfriend's neck.</p><p>“Relationships are supposed to be hard, not all sunshine and rainbows.”</p><p>The younger plucked the cigarette from his fingers and reached over to place it in one of the many ashtrays on the balcony. Chan softened, let Jisung cup his cheeks as his fingers crawled over the skin of his neck.</p><p>“You and me Chan? We are like drugs and candy. Mind-altering and unable to live without, sinfully sweet and addictive. I can’t do this, I hate fighting.”</p><p>Chan’s throat ached as his hands rested on Jisung’s hips, fingers digging into Jisung’s waist as he said, “I don’t want to have to give you up.”</p><p>Jisung’s eyes curled upwards, a pair of crescent moons as he whispered, “You won’t have to.” </p><p>The younger pressed a tender kiss to Chan’s swollen lips, soothing the sores that Chan had created. Jisung tasted like a sour mix of alcohol, mint laced berries and a pinch of tobacco. His legs tightened as he straddled Chan further, pressing the weight of his body against Chan’s muscular thigh muscles. Chan did what he did best - fall right open for the younger. His lips parted and Jisung’s tongue licked its way inside, sucking on Chan’s as their lips moved against each other. Even though Chan’s lips hurt from chewing on them, even though his head was overflowing with tidal waves, <em> even though </em>his heart was shattering and mending itself together again - something about Jisung felt painfully right, too raw and real to ever discard.</p><p>“I’ll do better. Trust me.”</p><p>That’s what he always said.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a few things: </p><p>1) the fragrance referenced is Versace's 'the dreamer'. when i was searching for scents i thought this was something i couldn't not refer to, and it would blend well with chan's Versace eros<br/>2) i really don't know how i feel about this but needed to get it out otherwise yeah, i hope it makes sense and it came across the way i hoped</p><p>kudos or comments are greatly appreciated and help me know i'm on the right track with the content i'm creating. they really make writer's days and thanks isn't enough to use to describe how much we appreciate it ♡</p><p>links to my socials:<br/><a href="https://twitter.com/hyvnchns">1. twitter</a> if anyone would like to follow for updates, and sneak peeks on wips and such<br/><a href="https://curiouscat.qa/hyvnchns">2. cc</a> if you prefer anonymity!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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